1 Month

     On March 8, 2013, after having been sick for 3 months straight, my doctor wanted to test me for HIV. She was concerned that I had had Thrush several times in the previous months along with a rash that follows a high fever, though adults "Almost never get it."

     "Sure, test me. It is negative I am sure." I told her with what may have been a tiny bit too much confidence. So she sent me to the lab to get the blood drawn. I went home secure in the belief that I was Negative and we needed to really get to the bottom of this cough. I say secure but the truth is I wondered...What if?

      You see, In June of 2009, I was with someone who in November 2009 told me they tested Positive for HIV. I of course got tested IMMEDIATELY and that test came back Negative. I was told by the doctor at the health department that the test was reliable and that, due to the timeline, I COULD come back in 3 months but he didn't really see the need. So I breathed a sigh of relief and went home. I Never went back. I was clean. The health department said so.

     Now it's 3 1/2 years later and the only person I have been with since is my wife. I was feeling good about this new test overall. After all, she tested Negative during her pregnancy with our now 2 year old son. If I was HIV Positive, she would be too, right? Then on Monday, March 11, 2013 I got a call from my doctor. I had no idea when I went to work that day that the start of a new week would actually be the start of a whole new world, a whole new life.

     She gave me the results of a test that I don't even remember. Then She said, "About the HIV Test...That came back Positive."

     I was in shock. My first thought was my wife and son...Had I poisoned them? I asked if there was any chance they weren't positive. She gave the answer that I have heard a lot over the last month..."I don't know. I can't guess." She gave me her sympathy and apologized for telling me over the phone and explained why, but I don't care about that. If she had called me into the office to tell me I would have known and it would have been miserable. I just wanted my family to be ok.

     I got up, walked to my wife's desk and took her by the hand. I led her to a meeting room, hugged her and told her the test came back. I don't know how I expected her to react, or even if I expected anything in particular, but she said simply, "We will get through this together."

     I couldn't focus on work any more that day and didn't care. I called my best friend and told her and she too was extremely supportive. I am just so lucky to have the friends that I have.

     My wife and son were tested right away and, THANK GOD! they were both Negative. I don't care how that is the case as long as it is. Thank you God for your protection over my family

     Two weeks later I got worse news. It was no longer HIV. It was AIDS. And I had PCP, a type of pneumonia that AIDS patients get. The next day I was put into the hospital and stayed for 7 days. My life was spiraling away from me. I had NO control and it was all going to fast. I didn't know if I wanted to live. Some days, I still don't.

      Now its been a month since the initial diagnosis and my life is completely different. The doctors told me that since my CD4 cells are so low, I should not go back to work. I should stay home as much as possible to avoid infection. It seems that I can catch ANYTHING and fight NOTHING. When my son is sick, rather than comfort him and take care of him, I need to avoid him. My wife has more on her plate than any person should ever have. She is extremely supportive and I love her more than I can say. She deserves so much better than this.

     I know eventually things will develop into a new normal because the old normal is long gone. I just hope it happens soon.