Fear

     I know it has been a while since I have posted. If you are looking forward to updates, I am sorry. I haven't posted because, though I still know how lucky I am and how much I owe to God, I have a lot of fear and sorrow that I don't like to admit.

     I spent another 4 days in the hospital. This time it was because I had Rhino Virus and Human Metapneumo Virus. Basically? A cold. nothing to serious...for a normal person. I am no longer normal. It is sobering to think that a cold could put me in the hospital.  I have been thinking a lot about the fact that it has been more than a year since I started getting sick. Each time it has taken more than the last to bring me back to health and periods of health have lasted less and less time.  It is part of the reason why Dr. Cheng tested me in the first place.

     I had been thinking about all of this already but then I made a big mistake. I watched a movie called "...And the band layed on." Now this is a very good movie both well done and informative.  For those who have never seen it, it is a dramatic movie with an all star cast that is a dramatic retelling of the outbreak of HIV/AIDS and the rush to learn enough about what was happening to try and treat a disease that, at the time, had a 100% fatality rate. It started out being called "Gay Cancer" and "GRID" (Gay Related Immune Deficiency), and even with a 100% fatality rate, most of the world didn't really want to acknoledge it or even speak of it. The people who seemed to be most at risk didn't want to take any steps to avoid getting it, such as fighting the closing of the bath houses. Fear does amazing things. Sometimes it makes you overreact, while other times it makes you UNDER react. The scary thing for me was that every one of the people dying of this terrible disease had a terrible cough and were easily fatigued...Just like me.

     Now I have seen this movie 3 or 4 times over the years, but this time was different. Before it was about "them." It was about an unfortunate group who, while they were my friends and neighbors, were a world away. Now, it was me. I spent several hours crying. I have shed tears over this since I was diagnosed  HIV +, but never had a real break down...until now. Later that same day I was admitted to the hospital for a cold.

     It was a very scary day. I had decided That I needed to accept the fact that I was going to die and that I needed to prepare for it. Come to peace with it. Even, perhaps, embrace it. Face it without fear. Inside I know that today HIV/AIDS is more like a chronic condition. HIV +/AIDS patients can live a full normal life span if they take their treatment seriously and responsibly.  I had been told that the first year is the hardest medically. That it will take a while to rebuild my immune system, especially since it had been nearly completely destroyed. I had evidence that it could improve since it already had. Just not enough yet.

     That day, All I felt was fear. Fear overwhelms and invades. Fear betrays you. Fear will destroy you if you let it. Some days i don't let it in but other days i cannot help it. I realized this week that I don't have as much of a handle on this fear as I thought I had. I realized that, to some extent, I had fooled myself that I could control the fear and sorrow that having this disease can create. To be honest I am not sure how I will escape the periods of fear and sorrow, but I am positive I will need my friend's help.